Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
