A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
