see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
