I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
