I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
