OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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