i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
