My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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