apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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