so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
