very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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