508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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