Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
a search helicopter?!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize