I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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