I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
