that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
