I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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