I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
being pregnant is like rehab
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
