My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize