I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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