and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
