im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
