He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
