i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
