Dude my mom stole all your condoms
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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