Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
