just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
