If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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