Tell her she can't have a vagina
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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