The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
