dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
