Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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