Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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