he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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