your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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