If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
