So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize