U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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