This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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