Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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