You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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