so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
