In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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