my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize