Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
