'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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