so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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