I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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