ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
