the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
