He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
