Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
