I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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