there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
