oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
