She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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