I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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