I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
