yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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