So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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