I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
