she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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