My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
