I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
