we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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