I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
